Having already articulated the 25 Things You Should Know By The Time You’re 25, Victoria Coren now turns her eye to those older gentlemen who maintain they’ve “still got it”. Here are 15 golden rules you must abide by to avoid going from “cool older guy” to “pompous old bore” in seconds.
1. That there’s something wrong with her.
Probably some issue with her father.
2. That she doesn’t get hangovers.
If she does, they’re gone by midday. So try not to get too drunk yourself, for fear of scaring her in the morning. If you must drink, pre-empt the horror by murmuring with your first gin that you think you’ve got flu coming.
3. That she thinks she’s an adult, just like you are.
I know; hilarious, isn’t it? But you thought the same when you were 25.
4. That she doesn’t know who Chesney Hawkes is.
(Why are you talking about Chesney Hawkes? Stop it at once.)
5. That for her, Margaret Thatcher is roughly the same era as Queen Elizabeth I.
6. That Star Wars is the same era as Casablanca.
7. That she will not commune with you over the impossibility of getting Microsoft Word and Outlook to do what you want.
She never accidentally clicks “mark all as read” instead of “mark as unread” and then hops round the kitchen swearing.
8. That you can’t get away with going Dutch in restaurants.
Yes, young people do that. But you’re not one of them.
9. That when her friends are smiling and delighted to meet you, they are secretly thinking, “That’s a bit creepy.”
10. That when your friends are smiling and delighted to meet her, they are secretly thinking, “That’s a bit creepy.”
11. That you should not go clothes shopping with her.
That really is a bit creepy.
12. That if you start using Regaine, you’re stuck with it for ever.
Embrace baldness and hope she’s a fan of Jason Statham.
13. That you must at all costs avoid meeting her parents.
14. That the phase where she’s excited to learn about history, politics and wine from a cool older guy will last approximately six weeks.
After that, you’re a pompous old bore.
15. That it’s always going to be awkward when you tell her about your wife.